Dear Annie,   

I still miss you!! I miss seeing you like this, knowing you were safe because you were on Daddy's lap, just spending time with me. Three years ago today, you passed away from a heart attack, originally - it was two blockages in your intestines and stomach because Daddy gave you a bone that splintered - at 3:11am March 6, the alarm went off in the living room, I thought a burglar came into the house, I wish it was - but no, it was you - up on your favorite "look out" chair, feeling miserable.  I saw the vomit, your gums had been bloody the night before and it clicked in my head - emergency vet, take her to the ER vet. My mistake, actually it wasn't - my mistake was leaving you there. I have no idea what you witnessed or heard that lead to you having a heart attack. 

All that I can think of is the two years that you had spent in the "rescue kennel", locked up and then finding yourself in the same type of place, with God knows what types of sounds you heard from the vet ER room (which is where you were), you had a heart attack Annie. At 9:23pm that night, I got a nose bleed - I looked out the window and saw huge snow flakes coming down (that doesn't happen in March), I knew something was wrong and I knew it had to do with you - my baby, the little dog that I had cherished with all of my heart, even the people in my life were second to you Mae Mae (and I think they all knew it).  You were my life - my reason for living. Life has not been kind to me Annie, then you came along and gave me purpose, your little pure spirit and heart, changed my life. Then in one instant, you were gone. At 9:36 pm, the call came in - you were on life support, what did they want me to do.  I told them to keep you alive until I could get to you to say good bye. They did but barely. 

Annie, the snow was horrible - it took me until almost 10:45 to get to you. You looked very uncomfortable. They had a rubber band over your snout, your little lip was pinched with a breathing tube, they were giving you oxygen by squeezing a little football looking thing, your little legs were cold the to the touch. My heart was crushed when I felt your little feet, but then I could hear you little heart - "beep, beep, beep." The vet had told me that they could resuscitate you but you were going to die anyway. Annie, they asked me if I wanted to take you off life support - that was the hardest decision that I have EVER made in my life. I did. You were going to suffer even more than you had if I let you die on your own, they asked if I wanted to make it so you wouldn't suffer, to put you to sleep.  I said yes. I can't even remember now what I said to you, it all is a blur now - I just remember that I didn't want you go, how much I loved you - cherished you. They added something to your IV, I saw them push the plunger and I heard your "beep, beep, flatline.. silence...". That was at 10:52 pm - Tuesday, March 6th, 2018.  I know a part of me died in that second, I remember laying my entire body over you, I think I was trying to keep you warm, keep you from not leaving me. I am so sorry, I have never been more sorry for a decision in my life. I should have kept you home, you would still be alive if I hadn't taken you to the ER vet. I know you would, those blockages 98% of the time, pass. I think me leaving you there - whatever happened while you were there, was scary and frightening and I think that lead to your heart attack. I'm sorry baby girl - so so very sorry. 

I miss your smile, Peanut, I have never seen a dog smile before - you smiled, you knew you were loved and that you were all of my life, someone asked me once if I was obsessed with you - truly - as any parent should be, you were my child - I used to love the way you would turn your head to look at me to make sure I was there, all the world was good - for both of us. 

Jelly Bean, I have a feeling your brother Sparky will be joining you soon - the vet says he is around 19 or 20, he suffers with pain in his back and knees, your old barking buddy has slowed down so much, I imagine you would be the same as he is now which would have broken my heart to see as it does me to see him. It is hard to see him like this but he keeps going, he knows that he is loved just like you are. I am ok with his going to heaven, he has struggled with his back and knee - he is almost 20 -  it will break my heart but I know it's for the best and that he will be pain free.  When his time comes, he will tell me. Please be there for him, he loved you like a little sister. 

Spike and Mae, your pups - are full of the energy that you and Sparky used to have. They both love playing with toys, Mae is a little nut with the way she is chasing balls, I must throw that ball 100 times a day for her, she loves it. Spike is the same but to a lesser degree, he's getting to be a couch potato, he loves laying in the sun like you used to - he just turned 5 and Mae will be three a week from today.  

I love you Shawnee, I will always love you - I pray that when I die, you are the first of the pack to greet me. This is always going to be my favorite sight - I look at this picture a lot. I hope you are safe and sound Daddys' girl, I worried about that since I saw your little picture on that rescue website and I still worry about it today. I don't know what afterlife is but I truly pray that someday we will be together again.  

love, 

Daddy